April 11, 2011

~I~

I

is for Insecure

Defined by dictionary.com as:

1. subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person.
2. not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious: He was insecure about the examination.
3. not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger.

Yes, we all have, and women especially, a few insecurities. Whether at home, or at work, there is that voice in the back of your head reminding you of what you can't do, or won't succeed at.

Baring Your Soul? Party of 1? Your table is ready.......... and here we go.

My unedited list of insecurities, cosmetics first:

My thighs
My smile(thanks to a missing tooth)
My stretch marks
My stomach

Now, on this next stretch of the tour folks, keep your hands inside the tram at all times as we are headed to the places rarely seen by the light of day:

I am insecure about so many things, where do I start? Most people think I have my shit together. (Fooled them didn't I?) Just because I am opinionated, loud and VERY vocal does not mean that I am perfectly happy with who I am. Does not mean that I don't feel or hurt the same as you. I had no idea how many insecurities I had until I sat down to really think about it.

With becoming a divorced woman, and putting myself out there in the dating world again, there were a lot of things about myself that I had to take a cold hard look at. Was I still attractive to the opposite sex? Here I was, fresh out of a 13 year marriage. Not having "let myself go" just because I was married, I was still no spring chicken. My age may have said so (hee hee) however I felt like I was 10 years older than I really was.

Would my opinionated persona turn them away? Would they be able to handle my argumentative side? Would they be able to get past all that blustering to the inside of me?

Not having been to college, would I even have things to talk about with these guys? Would I look or sound uneducated? Would that be a strike against me?

Then comes the heavy stuff. Would they get my mixed emotions? I am a complicated simple person. Um yeah. For the most part I say what I mean, mean what I say and wear my emotions on my sleeve. Would that be too much for the men out there? Would they be able to understand that I am not an overly emotional person? Clarification: if you make me mad, you will know it. If I am frustrated, happy or confused, you will know it. But rarely do I get weepy/sappy/overly emotional in front of someone else. I am not a crier, and it takes A LOT for me to break down in front of anyone else, just ask my mom.

If they are able to get past all of that........ having two children, my body was not what it was when I was 18. Then again, most of us mom's don't look the way we did pre-kids anyway. This did nothing for my self confidence. What was going to happen the first time I got naked in front of someone else? Would they see the road map my children had left across my lower body, tuck tail and run away screaming "my eyes! they are burning! make it stop"! Would they take one look at my tata's and see imperfections? I feel better when I present my body "packaged".

And if all of THAT was not enough, would they be able to deal with all the baggage that a recently divorced women brings? Would they be able to see past all of that? Would they be willing to take the time to get past my guarded heart?

I felt pretty ok with who I was prior to starting to date, however all these things ran through my mind just the same. I know I am not the easiest person to deal with and that just fed all these insecurities. Self exploration is hard work, and since I was forced to do it after my divorce, I feel like I have a better handle on it than I used to.

Every day is an opportunity to overcome these insecurities but letting go is the hardest part. Before you go away thinking I am having a pity party here let me be clear: I don't think I am ugly, I don't think I am a complete turn off to men. I am happy, mostly, with who I am and what other people see in me.

I challenge you to delve deep in to your innards and see what it is you are most insecure about. Once you identify it, ask yourself this. Are you willing to acknowledge and accept it and are you willing to change it?

1 comment:

Crazy Mom of 2! said...

I ABSOLUTLY love reading your posts...