October 29, 2009

Loop-de-Loop

Seriously. I need a new loop. Got any ideas on how I can turn this crappy loop, that runs non stop in my head, in to something else? Almost anything else would pretty much do.
Then, after we get a new loop, we look at what it will take to be able to shut off the brain at night completely. So my peeps, let the ideas flow. I'll take whatever you got.
Then maybe somebody can explain to me why it is SOOOOOOOOO much easier for men to move on then women. Once that mystery is solved, my world might be a better place.
Well, Phase 1 is complete. I don't feel any different although my stomach does. It was majorly protesting yesterday.
So this was how the day went:
woke up at 5:30 am and could not go back to sleep;
got in the car to go to work and my radio/cd player decided to not work;
got to the courthouse only to forget something and had to run all the way back to the car;
got a phone call as soon as I got home that a friend of mine had passed away;
and to top all of that off, auntie flow decided to visit.
Seriously, today better be a good day. I can not do days like that anymore.

October 28, 2009

Today is a big day. Hi, my name is Jo, and I am going through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas. This afternoon I will be marching up the court house steps to complete phase 1. Yuck. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on. Probably why I was up at 5:30 am and could not go back to sleep. That is 2 hours early for me. Nice.
Wish me well.

October 27, 2009

Knowing you can not make someone else do what you want does not keep you from trying now does it? When emotions are involved too often we can not see the trees for the forest. So true in my case. I have to pick up the broken pieces of my life and try to move on. The question is, how do I do that? I feel so stupid for putting it all out there, knowing the whole time in my head that there was nothing I could do.
It is like this continuous loop that plays in my head. When is it going to stop? How long do I have to hear this? How long before I can eat? Before I can sleep? How long before the emotional roller coaster comes to a stop? Will it ever? How DO you mend a broken heart? Everyone says time will help. But how MUCH time? When does the pain go away? Will it ever?
I know I am strong and I can do this. This is what I tell myself. But for some reason, the heart is a little harder to convince these days.

October 22, 2009

So there are many stages of grief, no matter what you have lost. So, in true "me" fashion, I had to rearrange the order of them. I enjoy messing up the flow you know? BUT they exist none the less.
I went straight in to Anger. Yep. I held on to that for quite a while. (I am good at that). In there was some Guilt and Embarrassment before I hit Denial. I have said this before and I will say it again. I WANT TO GO BACK THERE. I loved living in my insulated Denial bubble! I thought I was doing so good and I was making all kinds of progress. Yeah, no.
Once that Denial bubble was so rudely popped, I went in to Bargaining. Yeah, that didn't really get me anywhere. So now, while I don't think I am truly in the Depression state (watch out everyone) I know I am not to the Acceptance yet.
It takes time, so everyone says, and I understand that. I just want to be further along in the process you know? Who wants to dredge through all the feelings unless absolutely necessary? I feel in limbo right now. While part of me knows that will change, the other part doesn't want it to get worse, only better.
Here is to hoping the last steps are easier, rather than harder. Fingers crossed.

October 16, 2009

Really?
How come when you don't have a smile ready SOME people automatically assume you are mad? Don't you know that too assume makes an ass out of you and me??? Then they react based on what they THINK you are feeling.......
Why should I go out of my way to explain how I feel or how I was actually reacting when you already have a preconceived notion of what was going on with me? Sometimes it feels like running on a hamster wheel. You know you are not going anywhere and yet you keep running.
How about you ask before you jump to conclusions? Ever thought about that? Or is it too hard to give me the benefit of the doubt? Hmmm.......

October 15, 2009

Tug of War


Ok, no more tug of war. Time to put the rope down and let it go. The decision has been taken out of my hands therefore alleviating the need for the internal tug of war. Not that is wasn't a blast. After all, tug of war within yourself is always more of a learning experience than anything else, however with that said, I could do without the rope burns on my hands and the skid marks that are on my knees.
I will get through this. No matter who says to do this or that, I can only take it one day at a time. I will just keep swimming.

October 14, 2009

At War

Yeah, not with anyone else. Just me. Everyone has been there right? Half of your heart says to do THAT and the other half says to do THIS. What up with that? As I try to sift through what is really going on, instead of what I think is going on, I find myself wondering when I will get to the heart of the matter. AND, what if I get there and I don't like what I see or feel?
I think time does wonders for some things, but I wonder what to do until then. You know when you get caught up in the moment, an intense situation, and then later you regret what you said or did? Or you think you were right but there was this or that you would do differently if given the chance?
For now, I just sit and eat chocolate until I find the solution! Chocolate works in mysterious ways I am telling you!

October 13, 2009

Fall has definitely arrived here. It is colder at night and yesterday morning there was a layer of frost on everything. BRRRRRR. The cold weather makes me want to bake. Weird right? I have a whole bunch of recipes planned out for this weekend to stock the freezer.
So, time to drag out the crock pot, winter gloves, warm blankets and flannel sheets. We had a "cold weather meal" last night: Taco Soup. Mmm Mmm Good as Campbell's would say! This is one of my favorites but the kids really like it too.
The leaves are all turning beautiful colors and I love love love to see that! Can't wait to get out there and get some pics of them. Heading to the pumpkin patch this weekend before it is too late in the month.

October 11, 2009

Random Musings, Part 2

It was a weekend of highs and lows.
Some of the lows: putting it all out on the line, knowing it will not change anything and at the same time wishing it would change everything.
having to own up to the opinion people have of me since I don't put anything else out there for them to see that I am human too.
having to get up pretty early to go and sit at baseball in the freezing cold.
wanting to not be left out of the things the kids do.
Some of the highs: "knifing" a good friend's front yard while she was home!
having the most awesome friends and world's best bff to pick me up.
cleaning my house after almost 2 weeks of gunk laying around since I was sick.
watching my kids get better every day at the sports they love to play.
knowing I have great support and will make it through this.

October 7, 2009

Random Thoughts

So here are some questions that I think about a lot. You would think I have a lot of free time. I don't. Wait for it.......
When you go from sharing your bed with your boyfriend/husband/partner to having the bed to yourself, do you stay on the one side you always slept on? I have had my "own" bed for 6 months and I still hug the one side. How long does it take before you starfish out? Do you ever?
How about this one. I always wore my wedding ring. I really never took it off except to clean it or to put lotion on my hands. I slept with it on, I showered with it on: seriously. I have had it off for 6 months now. When will the mark no longer be visible on my left hand? I can still feel the indent if I touch that finger. It almost feels as though the bone was formed around the wedding band. Does that every go away?
This one is really fun: I find that in a lot of conversations, especially when I am dealing with customers, I bring him up. For example: "my husband does ...., my sister in law does....., my husband's work". How long until I catch myself BEFORE I say it instead of after it has already left my mouth? I thought I had more control over my mouth than that!

October 6, 2009

Hello? Are you still there?

I bet you thought I was done huh? No new posts in forever..... well here I am. I have not had much to blog about to. Well, not much positive anyway. It is not like there are a lot of people who read it anyway, so I figured I could slide off the grid for a while.
So, I quit smoking. Again. Bad idea. Want to know what it does? It makes you touch down from the denial cloud I had been drifting on in Denial Town. Not a good thing. Then you add that I have been sick since last Wednesday, missed 2 days of work, spent an entire weekend on the couch and can we say: "Pity? party of 1? Your table is ready."
I want to go back to Denial Town. La-La-Land. Not that I don't enjoy Reality, but when you are in Denial Town you can push a lot of crap out of the way and just be in the moment. That is the best part. Nothing bad is happening right? Don't you want to go there with me? How do I get back to there? Can you?
Until I figure that out, I will try and enjoy the crisp fall days, the approach of Halloween and the fact that I am employed and have a roof over my head. Good enough for now. Hopefully I will get around to posting those pics of the projects I worked on over Labor Day Weekend.