You may, or may not know this. I met someone a while ago. Right after I went all diarrhea of the mouth about how STOOOPPPIIIDDD men are......... Things have been going really well, and I have been enjoying his company.
Here is what I am NOT enjoying: That little voice at the back of my head that questions all the GOOD things. Am I so hard-wired to accept absolute SHIT in a relationship, that when something good comes along I don't trust it? Believe it?
I mean SERIOUSLY. I could go on and on.... and on..... about all the nice things he says, or the nice things he does. Ask CHB, or Moxie, or JGurl. I swear that's ALL they have heard come out of my mouth lately.
I believe (honestly I do) that he is genuine, sincere, and from the heart. I don't believe that his mannerisms and behavior are an act. If it WAS, the veneer would have fallen by now. I am sure by now, you are asking yourself what the hell MY problem is?
I mean the guy says what he means, calls when he says he will, is attentive, respectful, gets along with my friends, treats me like a lady (even though I don't act like one). Sounds perfect right? What MORE could I possibly want?
That's just it. I don't want MORE. I want to BELIEVE. In ALL OF THIS. I want to trust my judgement, even though a few times (read the MOST IMPORTANT) that has not worked out for me. I want to ACCEPT that someone could possibly just BE that nice....... to me.
I am rough around the edges. Shocking right? I have a big bark, although I only bite when absolutely necessary. That kind of behavior puts a LOT of people off, and for the most part, I am ok with that. It means those people shouldn't be a part of MY life. But when it comes to an intimate relationship, I am still a girl. Underneath the tough exterior, there is a SLIGHT romantic in me. Yes, I saw myself just share that. And it makes me want to vomit.
Being a girl is EXHAUSTING. Cause we really think about this shit, and analyze it ALL THE TIME. And it doesn't get old. So, I will continue to pick apart everything said, every emotion felt, all while raising a glass of vino with the ladies. And as I do all of this, I am trying to remember to breathe. And realize I deserve the sun, the moon, the stars and everything in between.
Yep, still needs some work. Maybe I should set it as reminder on my phone.