June 27, 2014

Why am I questioning this?

You may, or may not know this. I met someone a while ago. Right after I went all diarrhea of the mouth about how STOOOPPPIIIDDD men are......... Things have been going really well, and I have been enjoying his company.

Here is what I am NOT enjoying: That little voice at the back of my head that questions all the GOOD things. Am I so hard-wired to accept absolute SHIT in a relationship, that when something good comes along I don't trust it? Believe it?

I mean SERIOUSLY. I could go on and on.... and on..... about all the nice things he says, or the nice things he does. Ask CHB, or Moxie, or JGurl. I swear that's ALL they have heard come out of my mouth lately.

I believe (honestly I do) that he is genuine, sincere, and from the heart. I don't believe that his mannerisms and behavior are an act. If it WAS, the veneer would have fallen by now. I am sure by now, you are asking yourself what the hell MY problem is?

I mean the guy says what he means, calls when he says he will, is attentive, respectful, gets along with my friends, treats me like a lady (even though I don't act like one). Sounds perfect right? What MORE could I possibly want?
That's just it. I don't want MORE. I want to BELIEVE. In ALL OF THIS. I want to trust my judgement, even though a few times (read the MOST IMPORTANT) that has not worked out for me. I want to ACCEPT that someone could possibly just BE that nice....... to me.
I am rough around the edges. Shocking right? I have a big bark, although I only bite when absolutely necessary. That kind of behavior puts a LOT of people off, and for the most part, I am ok with that. It means those people shouldn't be a part of MY life. But when it comes to an intimate relationship, I am still a girl. Underneath the tough exterior, there is a SLIGHT romantic in me. Yes, I saw myself just share that. And it makes me want to vomit.
Being a girl is EXHAUSTING. Cause we really think about this shit, and analyze it ALL THE TIME. And it doesn't get old. So, I will continue to pick apart everything said, every emotion felt, all while raising a glass of vino with the ladies. And as I do all of this, I am trying to remember to breathe. And realize I deserve the sun, the moon, the stars and everything in between.
Yep, still needs some work. Maybe I should set it as reminder on my phone.

June 17, 2014

Just yesterday I was dropping him off for Kindergarten........

It does not seem possible that my baby boy just graduated from high school. This sweet little cherub face:
When Lil C was born, I thought this parenting gig would never end. And that we had ALL this time, and we could do so many cool things.
We moved to Mtown right before he started Kindergarten. Feeling the importance of Lil C being able to go all the way from elementary school to high school with the same kids.
 On that September morning of 2001, the sun was shining for the first day of school. Armed with a new backpack, busting at the seems with sharpened pencils, new crayons, kleenex, glue sticks and a handpacked lunch, he took off down the street with an extra bounce in his step, because he was SO excited to get on the bus.

School has never been easy for Lil C. He has struggled, persevered,excelled..... only to struggle again. Pretty much from second grade on. We tried retired teachers as tutors, after school math clubs, even peer groups. Everyone kept telling us he would "get it" and that it would "click" for him.
It never really did. At least not to the point of ease in his schoolwork.
Once he started high school, he knew he had to buckle down, and pass EVERY class in order to graduate. Do you think that is what he did?
Uhm.......... NO. It finally clicked for him at the beginning of his senior year, and he really put his nose to the grindstone.
He did all the yearly credits that he needed for senior year PLUS an additional 4 credits to make sure that he graduated on time. I KNEW he could do it, he just had to apply himself. I am VERY proud of him, and that he pulled it off!
The weeks leading up to graduation had me so conflicted. How is it that my son had grown up so fast? Not too long ago, his entire world was baseball and XBox. And not too much before that a hug and an ice cream cone could damn near fix anything.
How could this little boy be ready to go out in the world and make his mark? And without needing my help? Is he going to succeed? Have I done everything to teach him the right way? Does he have all the tools he needs to fly away from the nest?
Over the past few weeks I have heard from several adults who have talked to my boy. The consensus is this: He has goals, he has dreams and aspirations, and is focused and he is ready to make those dreams come true. Half of me cheers inside, jumping up and down and fist pumping the air. So excited that other people see some great potential in my first born.
The other half of me? Still worries. And frets. And wants to hover. BIG TIME. I know I can not be the only parent out there that has felt this way. But they are not ME. And I cant help but think that I want more time. Even though Lil C and I butt heads (because he is so much like me). I want more time when he is just able to be a kid. And be silly. And hang out. And camp more. And cherish the time I had....... instead of being annoyed with his teenager antics.
I know I cant rewind time. I just have to hope I have done enough. And that I have been enough of an influence on him.
So to my baby boy, this is what I want you to know.
Take the scenic route
Respect your elders
Laugh often
Find joy in the little things
Treat others as you want to be treated
Always say thank you
Keep your anger in check
Consider all the options before you decide
Don't throw the first punch
Love with all of your heart
Never do a half ass job
CALL ME. I will come pick you up
Don't be afraid to be yourself
Be young at heart
Son, words can not express the pride I feel when I look at you. I am very proud of you, and what you have accomplished. I love you more than you can ever know.
It has been an honor to have guided you through the first chapter of your life. The decisions you make from here on out will shape the rest of your life so choose wisely. Know this:                               
 I ALWAYS have your back.
Go get 'em kid!

June 5, 2014

Vocabulary again?????

Yes friends. Vocabulary time again.

I will not even begin to bore you with the details of how this came about, and the who and the why. Here is the important info:  I was called A. LIAR. To MY face. In a room FULL of people.

What's a girl to do in this situation? Why, turn to good old Google to help educate myself on the true meaning of the word.

Our friends at dictionary.com say:


[lahy-er] Show IPA
a person who tells lies.
 The freedictionary.com says:
1. a person who has lied or lies repeatedly
Now that I knew EXACTLY what the word LIAR meant, I could process how I felt about being called one.  
Let me tell you what: I didn't like it. NOT.ONE.SINGLE.BIT. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. You can call me A LOT of things:


Go ahead! You know you want to! And I am FINE with all of those names. Seriously! But LIAR? I am NOT ok with that.

I know words are VERY powerful. I also know I am as guilty as the next person in having used them to hurt someone else. But I'm not thinking about how the other person feels when I am using nasty words, now am I?

This one hurt almost as much as the THIS DAY. Remember that? I know that the person who called me this name may not fully understand how it made me feel. And I can see that. Doesn't mean it hurt any less, or that I will forget anytime soon.

Out of ALL the labels I put around my neck, whether the ones I give myself or the ones given to me by others, THIS LABEL has never been there.