So, I think I am becoming O.C.D. about this whole thing. I feel like it consumes my every waking minute that I am not distracted. This constant obsessing is overwhelming. When the opportunity presents itself to find out more info, I stupidly take it. I should close my eyes and turn my ears off and run the other direction: but do I? Oh no........ that would be too easy. I have no willpower whatsoever when it comes to this. I thought I was so much stronger than that.

It is the little things that really get me. We could be here all day if I listed them but I am sure you get the picture. It all takes time. TIME TIME TIME. Not that I am trying to rush the process or anything. I just want to get over the hurdle that is front of me. Is that too much to ask? I have passed the anger and bitterness and just need this stupid sadness to go away. Seriously. Who needs it? Or to sleep? When did I become so damn emotional? Oh yeah........ I remember now.

I just want to say: THANKS. To all my peeps, new and old, for being there. Knowing I have you is so awesome! You pick me up when I am down, you know just what to say to make me smile and your arms are always open. I am glad you are there to remind me that "This too shall pass".

It is never said enough so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Loop-de-Loop

Seriously. I need a new loop. Got any ideas on how I can turn this crappy loop, that runs non stop in my head, in to something else? Almost anything else would pretty much do.

Then, after we get a new loop, we look at what it will take to be able to shut off the brain at night completely. So my peeps, let the ideas flow. I'll take whatever you got.

Then maybe somebody can explain to me why it is SOOOOOOOOO much easier for men to move on then women. Once that mystery is solved, my world might be a better place.

Well, Phase 1 is complete. I don't feel any different although my stomach does. It was majorly protesting yesterday.

So this was how the day went:

woke up at 5:30 am and could not go back to sleep;

got in the car to go to work and my radio/cd player decided to not work;

got to the courthouse only to forget something and had to run all the way back to the car;

got a phone call as soon as I got home that a friend of mine had passed away;

and to top all of that off, auntie flow decided to visit.

Seriously, today better be a good day. I can not do days like that anymore.

Today is a big day. Hi, my name is Jo, and I am going through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas. This afternoon I will be marching up the court house steps to complete phase 1. Yuck. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on. Probably why I was up at 5:30 am and could not go back to sleep. That is 2 hours early for me. Nice.

Wish me well.

Knowing you can not make someone else do what you want does not keep you from trying now does it? When emotions are involved too often we can not see the trees for the forest. So true in my case. I have to pick up the broken pieces of my life and try to move on. The question is, how do I do that? I feel so stupid for putting it all out there, knowing the whole time in my head that there was nothing I could do.

It is like this continuous loop that plays in my head. When is it going to stop? How long do I have to hear this? How long before I can eat? Before I can sleep? How long before the emotional roller coaster comes to a stop? Will it ever? How DO you mend a broken heart? Everyone says time will help. But how MUCH time? When does the pain go away? Will it ever?

I know I am strong and I can do this. This is what I tell myself. But for some reason, the heart is a little harder to convince these days.

So there are many stages of grief, no matter what you have lost. So, in true "me" fashion, I had to rearrange the order of them. I enjoy messing up the flow you know? BUT they exist none the less.

I went straight in to Anger. Yep. I held on to that for quite a while. (I am good at that). In there was some Guilt and Embarrassment before I hit Denial. I have said this before and I will say it again. I WANT TO GO BACK THERE. I loved living in my insulated Denial bubble! I thought I was doing so good and I was making all kinds of progress. Yeah, no.

Once that Denial bubble was so rudely popped, I went in to Bargaining. Yeah, that didn't really get me anywhere. So now, while I don't think I am truly in the Depression state (watch out everyone) I know I am not to the Acceptance yet.

It takes time, so everyone says, and I understand that. I just want to be further along in the process you know? Who wants to dredge through all the feelings unless absolutely necessary? I feel in limbo right now. While part of me knows that will change, the other part doesn't want it to get worse, only better.

Here is to hoping the last steps are easier, rather than harder. Fingers crossed.

Really?

How come when you don't have a smile ready SOME people automatically assume you are mad? Don't you know that too assume makes an ass out of you and me??? Then they react based on what they THINK you are feeling.......

Why should I go out of my way to explain how I feel or how I was actually reacting when you already have a preconceived notion of what was going on with me? Sometimes it feels like running on a hamster wheel. You know you are not going anywhere and yet you keep running.

How about you ask before you jump to conclusions? Ever thought about that? Or is it too hard to give me the benefit of the doubt? Hmmm.......

Tug of War

Ok, no more tug of war. Time to put the rope down and let it go. The decision has been taken out of my hands therefore alleviating the need for the internal tug of war. Not that is wasn't a blast. After all, tug of war within yourself is always more of a learning experience than anything else, however with that said, I could do without the rope burns on my hands and the skid marks that are on my knees.

I will get through this. No matter who says to do this or that, I can only take it one day at a time. I will just keep swimming.

At War

Yeah, not with anyone else. Just me. Everyone has been there right? Half of your heart says to do THAT and the other half says to do THIS. What up with that? As I try to sift through what is really going on, instead of what I think is going on, I find myself wondering when I will get to the heart of the matter. AND, what if I get there and I don't like what I see or feel?

I think time does wonders for some things, but I wonder what to do until then. You know when you get caught up in the moment, an intense situation, and then later you regret what you said or did? Or you think you were right but there was this or that you would do differently if given the chance?

For now, I just sit and eat chocolate until I find the solution! Chocolate works in mysterious ways I am telling you!

Fall has definitely arrived here. It is colder at night and yesterday morning there was a layer of frost on everything. BRRRRRR. The cold weather makes me want to bake. Weird right? I have a whole bunch of recipes planned out for this weekend to stock the freezer.

So, time to drag out the crock pot, winter gloves, warm blankets and flannel sheets. We had a "cold weather meal" last night: Taco Soup. Mmm Mmm Good as Campbell's would say! This is one of my favorites but the kids really like it too.

The leaves are all turning beautiful colors and I love love love to see that! Can't wait to get out there and get some pics of them. Heading to the pumpkin patch this weekend before it is too late in the month.

Random Musings, Part 2

It was a weekend of highs and lows.

Some of the lows: putting it all out on the line, knowing it will not change anything and at the same time wishing it would change everything.

having to own up to the opinion people have of me since I don't put anything else out there for them to see that I am human too.

having to get up pretty early to go and sit at baseball in the freezing cold.

wanting to not be left out of the things the kids do.

Some of the highs: "knifing" a good friend's front yard while she was home!

having the most awesome friends and world's best bff to pick me up.

cleaning my house after almost 2 weeks of gunk laying around since I was sick.

watching my kids get better every day at the sports they love to play.

knowing I have great support and will make it through this.

Random Thoughts

So here are some questions that I think about a lot. You would think I have a lot of free time. I don't. Wait for it.......

When you go from sharing your bed with your boyfriend/husband/partner to having the bed to yourself, do you stay on the one side you always slept on? I have had my "own" bed for 6 months and I still hug the one side. How long does it take before you starfish out? Do you ever?

How about this one. I always wore my wedding ring. I really never took it off except to clean it or to put lotion on my hands. I slept with it on, I showered with it on: seriously. I have had it off for 6 months now. When will the mark no longer be visible on my left hand? I can still feel the indent if I touch that finger. It almost feels as though the bone was formed around the wedding band. Does that every go away?

This one is really fun: I find that in a lot of conversations, especially when I am dealing with customers, I bring him up. For example: "my husband does ...., my sister in law does....., my husband's work". How long until I catch myself BEFORE I say it instead of after it has already left my mouth? I thought I had more control over my mouth than that!

Hello? Are you still there?

I bet you thought I was done huh? No new posts in forever..... well here I am. I have not had much to blog about to. Well, not much positive anyway. It is not like there are a lot of people who read it anyway, so I figured I could slide off the grid for a while.

So, I quit smoking. Again. Bad idea. Want to know what it does? It makes you touch down from the denial cloud I had been drifting on in Denial Town. Not a good thing. Then you add that I have been sick since last Wednesday, missed 2 days of work, spent an entire weekend on the couch and can we say: "Pity? party of 1? Your table is ready."

I want to go back to Denial Town. La-La-Land. Not that I don't enjoy Reality, but when you are in Denial Town you can push a lot of crap out of the way and just be in the moment. That is the best part. Nothing bad is happening right? Don't you want to go there with me? How do I get back to there? Can you?

Until I figure that out, I will try and enjoy the crisp fall days, the approach of Halloween and the fact that I am employed and have a roof over my head. Good enough for now. Hopefully I will get around to posting those pics of the projects I worked on over Labor Day Weekend.

Weekend in Review

So, our weekend went a little like this:

Friday:

We had tickets to Tony and Tina's Wedding. The whole gang was going: CHB, her mom, Moxie, myself, Jessica, Cornhustler, and some other friends and/or co-workers. CHB, Miss EM, Moxie, and I went last year and we had a great time, so of course we wanted to go again! But, this year, the morning of the play, CHB got sick and after visiting the doctor was not going to be able to make it. So sad...... we loaded up the minivan, not mine before you ask, and headed a few miles away to the Comcast Arena. Out for drinks afterward, rolling home about 2:00 am. Good times!

We thoroughly enjoyed the play and if you have the chance to go, you absolutely must! There are not just ladies there you know. Several men were in attendance with their wives/girlfriends and you could see they were having just as much fun. It is an interactive play (read more here) http://www.tonylovestina.com/tony_tina_show_info_1.cfm

Side note: Doodle had an overnight birthday party she was invited to, and because she woke up with the sniffles and a runny nose, she could not go. This made her pretty upset and she was in tears when I left.

Saturday:

The day dawned pretty cloudy, and when I rolled myself out of bed at 9:30, called CHB and wished her a happy bday, the first order of business was coffee and Advil. I had been the d.d. the night before, so it was not the alcohol my friends. It was the dancing! I am getting too old to dance the night away like that!

Lil C was to report to the baseball field 30 miles away by 3:00 pm for a double header. We got the email around 1:00pm that the games were cancelled due to rain. We headed to the hood so the kids could play outside for a little bit before the rain returned. This way Doodle could also play with her friends without infecting them AND quit bugging me about it!

We were in the hood for an hour before the downpour happened. We scooted home, watched a movie, ate some dinner and vegetated the rest of the evening.

Sunday:
Today Doodle had a soccer game. She was starting to feel a little better and was excited to go. We lounged around the house until noon, had a bite to eat and headed to the field. This particular field we were playing at usually resembles a pig's pen after a good rain but thankfully there was enough sunshine it dried out. The game was going well, and Doodle was in the perfect position to score a goal. The goalie was out of the box to the far left. Someone passed Doodle the ball and just as she is about to kick it in for the goal, the referee blows the whistle. Time is up. Game over. She missed her chance to get the goal!!! AAAAHHHH Well, anyway, the Bumblebeez won their game!

We went home, made an awesome dinner, watched another movie and got ready to face another week of school and work. All in all, a pretty tame and uneventful weekend for us!