May 30, 2018

The Suckage List: Part Deux

Some things have been removed from the initial Suckage List, and some have been added. Lets take a look see:

Removed or Resolved:
  • Finding a new place for all my crap
  • Organized said crap (always a work in progress)
  • A new routine
  • Sleeping at night
  • Driving home from work
Still on the list, or Added:
  • Thinking about my what my life will look like in 6 months, 12 months, 2 years
  • Missing the extended family/kids/friends
  • Worrying about my mom
  • Letting go of all the feelings I still have
  • Remembering it is OK to put myself first
  • Giving myself permission to be angry/to cry/to vent
  • Practicing self love
I know I get by with the help of my friends. And wine. Lots and lots of wine. Some of the items added to the list are HARD. Hard to conquer, hard to embrace, hard to do.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

April 30, 2018

Monday Musing..... take 2

This weekend I slept. A lot.

And thought about my ex. A lot.

Saturday would have been our 4 year anniversary.

All of these thoughts about us are probably what prompted a very interesting dream Saturday night.

I still feel a sense of loss, a hole, a void in my life. That doesn't mean I am not progressing, moving forward and working on it. I am doing all of those things. And it does get a little better every day.

It just means from time to time I have these moments. Of loss. Sadness.

And then I get frustrated that these moments still happen. The struggle is real yo. Wine helps. LARGE glasses of wine.

March 19, 2018

Monday musing....... when I should be working.....

So, a typical night after work for me would involve dinner, dishes, laundry, maybe some light cleaning. Now? I have one room and one bathroom that I am in charge of. You can only clean the bathroom so many times, sweep so many times, organize so many times, before there isn't any more you can do.

Things I have noticed over the last 2 weeks:
  • I watch a LOT of tv now.
  • I am constantly looking for something to occupy my time
  • I have TOO much free time
  • I look forward to working out (to have something to do)
  • Even though I am super tired at night, I cant shut my brain off
  • I miss having a home to care for, even when I would bitch about it
  • I have stepped up my wine drinking game, and I'm ok with that
I have started to color more. Which is great, but since I am old as fuck, my wrist starts to cramp after an hour. Same with journaling. Maybe I should take up basket weaving? Crocheting? Knitting?

Got any suggestions?

March 14, 2018

Word Wednesday Volume 4

This is absolutely how I feel today.

  1. 1.
    shed tears, especially as an expression of distress or pain.
    "don't cry—it'll be all right"
    synonyms:weep, shed tears, sobwail, cry one's eyes out, bawlhowlsnivelwhimpersquallmewlbleatMore
  2. 2.
    shout or scream, especially to express one's fear, pain, or grief.
    "the little girl fell down and cried for her mommy"
    synonyms:callshoutexclaim, sing out, yellshriekscreamscreechbawlbellowroarvociferatesquealyelpholler
    "“Wait!” he cried"
  1. 1.
    a loud inarticulate shout or scream expressing a powerful feeling or emotion.
    "a cry of despair"
    "a cry of despair"
  2. 2.
    a distinctive call of a bird or other animal.

March 13, 2018

The Suckage List

Currently, there are a lot of things on the Suckage List. Some worse than others. In no particular order they are as follows:

  • finding a new place for all my crap
  • trying to organize said crap
  • making a new routine
  • driving "home" from work, only to realize you are headed to the wrong house
  • trying to sleep at night
  • thinking about what my life will look like in the 6 months, 12 months, 2 years
  • worrying about my mom
  • missing the extended family, the kids, the friends

This list will get smaller, as I learn to deal with what life has thrown at me. I am reminding myself of that. Every. Damn. Day.
Wine helps.

March 7, 2018

Word Wednesday volume 3

There are 2 words for this week. They both represent the current mood-o-meter.

  1. 1.
    having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.
    "they all seemed indifferent rather than angry"
    synonyms:unconcerned, uninterested, uncaring, casual, nonchalant, offhand, uninvolved, unenthusiastic, apathetic, lukewarm, phlegmatic, blasé, insouciant; More
  2. 2.
    neither good nor bad; mediocre.
    "attempts to distinguish between good, bad, and indifferent work"
    mediocre, ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired, undistinguished, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur, amateurish; 

    1. 1.
      deprived of the power of sensation.
      "my feet were numb with cold"
      synonyms:without sensation, without feeling, numbed, benumbed, desensitized, insensible, senseless, unfeeling; More
    1. 1.
      deprive of feeling or responsiveness.
      "the cold had numbed her senses"
      synonyms:desensitizing, deadening, benumbing, anesthetic, anesthetizing; More

February 21, 2018

Word Wednesday Volume 2

Several things over the last week have made me feel this way. Sometimes it can be hard to recognize this feeling, or see it when you are overwhelmed.

  1. feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful.
    "I'm very grateful to you for all your help"
    • archaic
      received or experienced with gratitude; welcome.
      "enjoying the grateful shade"

February 15, 2018

Word Wednesday Volume 1

Technically it's Thursday but what the hell. I do what I want.

Going to be sharing words with you that are on my heart, and my mind. So without further ado:

make (something) suitable for a new use or purpose; modify.
"hospitals have had to be adapted for modern medical practice"
synonyms:modifyalterchangeadjustreadjustconvertredesignrestylerefashionremodelreshaperevamprework, rejig, redoreconstructreorganizeMore

  • become adjusted to new conditions.
    "a large organization can be slow to adapt to change"
    synonyms:adjust to, acclimatize oneself to, acclimate to, accommodate oneself to, attune to, conform to, habituate oneself to, become habituated to, get used to, orient oneself in, reconcile oneself to, come to terms with, get one's bearings in, find one's feet in, acculturate to, assimilate to, blend in to, fit in to
    "he has adapted well to his new home"
  • alter (a text) to make it suitable for filming, broadcasting, or the stage.
    "the miniseries was adapted from Wouk's novel"

February 12, 2018

Growing a little...... every day

Sometimes life has a way of knocking you down, just to make sure you don't get too big for your britches. Mother Earth, getting ready to storm out the front door, says "hold my earrings, bitch" while she tries to create havoc in your world.

But wait. There's a knock on the back door. Who could that be? Oh, yeah. All the clichés: "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". "everything happens for a reason". "you can do this. you have been through worse".

I hate them. It makes other people feel like they are helping when they say them. Know what I want instead? To just wallow in it for a bit. Then, I will pull up my big girl panties and deal with that shit head on. Until then? I will drink too much wine, watch too much tv, and escape to some of my favorite books.

January 2, 2018

Another year, another resolution

Not super sure where 2017 went. It always amazes me that I feel this way every January.

I didn't make any resolutions last year. Probably a good thing, since I don't have the best track record with following through with them. I think I will keep it simple stupid this year: I resolve to do more things that bring me joy. That shouldn't be too hard. Right?

I have several things I want to accomplish this year, however listing them all to the universe puts pressure on me to complete them, or offer proof. And I don't need to add additional anxiety to my life. I have enough, thank you.

As of today, I am still in the process of de-Christmasing my house. It takes me a while. 12 totes of decor, and 2 trees, typically takes me 3 days to set up, and 3 days to take down. This year I have the added bonus of organizing all the Halloween/Thanksgiving décor that I just threw (almost literally) in to the garage. Good times. Procrastinate much?

I am looking forward to getting my house back to where it is comfortable for the other 11 months of the year, but I am always sad to put away the Christmas things that I love. That I only get to see 31 days out of the year. I get such excitement every year taking out my totes and re-discovering the joy of my holiday décor.

My house always feels super clean after I put away the Christmas stuff. I swear I sleep really great on the night that it is all done. Says something right? Yeah, it says I need more décor (ha ha ha)!

Anyshways, Happy New Year Bitches.

June 21, 2017

The Gray Area

If you have a child over the age of 17, you have lived in the "Gray Area". How do I know? Because I am on child 2 in the Area Gray, and it hasn't gotten easier. What the hell am I talking about? Let me explain.

Doodle turned 18 the day before she graduated from high school. During (and the summer leading up to) her Senior year of high school, I have taken her to visit colleges, helped her fill out applications, stalked the mail box for acceptance letters, paid deposit after fee after deposit after fee.

During this whole past year, Doodle has made it clear that she wants some sort of degree in Education. At least that is what she has decided for now. We all know college kids can and will change their minds on the direction of study in that first 2 years at university.

I have been vocal about the college choice I had for her, however I have ultimately supported her goal to go to the college SHE thinks is best. Why is all of this backstory important? Hang on to your panties, because I will explain.

Over the weekend, I was at a high school graduation. Afterwards, when we all went out to celebrate together, the topic of career paths came up. The people I was sitting with had some different opinions about college, so we dove in to a spirited conversation about it.

Here is what it boiled down to: the general consensus from the others was that you should not encourage your child to go with the career/education path they choose, especially if said path will not be something where they will make a lot of money.

And that is where I lost it. Shocking, I am sure.

We all agreed that it is the responsibility of the parent to shape and mold the child in to a good person: with goals, respect and self reliance. However, that is where the agreements stopped.

They all thought that teaching is a noble profession, but didn't understand why I wouldn't tell Doodle to go in to something that could make her more money. And that is where I felt I had been punched in the gut. I am sure it was not supposed to be personal. And I recognize that logically.

But emotionally? All I could think was FUCK YOU. I make today (after having been in my profession for 16 years) what Doodle will make once she is done with her student teaching and internship. Apparently, even though I supported 2 kids on that income, that is not enough to LIVE ON.

Did I have a new car? NO. Did I scrimp and save where I could to ease the monthly tightness? YES. Do I feel I deprived my children anything while they were growing up? HELL NO.

What if my child said they wanted to be a farmer? Or a missionary? Do those make a lot of money? Hell no. Are you they "noble" professions? Absolutely.

So, maybe I am just being too sensitive. Would love to hear somebody else's take on this. I will sit back with my vat of wine while I wait to hear from you.

January 20, 2017

January 20, 2017

I think I will remember this day for a VERY long time. Like people who remember where they were when Mt. St. Helens erupted, or how they felt when JFR was shot, or when a man first walked on the moon. Yeah, those are big events........... and that is how I feel about today.

The day Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of The United States.

I don't want to call this man MY president. I don't want to swallow my emotions about who I think this person is.

I am TIRED of people telling me to "get over it". I am just as entitled to my feelings as the person who voted for him. Thanks to the election and voting process, I am able to vote the way I want/believe/feel is best for ME. Not YOU.

I still feel like our nation is taking step in the wrong direction, and I don't care if you disagree with me. That is your right. I wont tell you that you are wrong.

I am having a hard time as a woman, as the parent of a daughter, as a member of the working force, getting behind this man. And the things he says.

So let me have my emotions. Stop telling me that I am just a feminist. Quit saying that I should be supporting this person.

That is all.