November 30, 2009

What more do I have to lose?

On Saturday night I pulled out all the Christmas decorations. I also hauled out the tubs so I could put away Halloween/Thanksgiving stuff away. I was doing fine. Really. Put up my first ever artificial tree (should have bought pre-lit but Craigslist beggars can't be choosers) and managed to turn my living room in to an explosion of holiday decor.
I called it a night around 11:30pm and woke up ready to tackle the rest of the decorations on Sunday. Got a call from JA that managed to take away my decorating spirit. In the course of the conversation I asked him if he knew where the children's ornament boxes were. I could not find them and was distraught that I had misplaced them.
He manages to turn the conversation completely around on me. "Well, you took all the ornaments when you left." "I don't want to talk about Christmas." "It will be hard for me this year." Yup, you just read that all correctly. Are you fucking kidding me? Who put us in this boat? Who had to spend the first holiday without the kids? And you want to tell me you DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT??????
When I moved out, we went through all the Christmas stuff together. I opened all 8 containers with the sole purpose of making sure it was fair. 90% of the decorations he did not care for anyway. So why the guilt trip? Wait for it........ it is because he does not have any ornaments for his tree!
The ones I took with me are all the ones I have received from our annual cookie exchange, or the Starbucks ornaments from my friend who works for the giant coffee company. And, let's not forget I selfishly took the ones that had MY name on them.
I have given up everything. No, not as a figure of speech here my friends. I have TRULY lost it all. My house, my neighborhood, friends we met through sports, my furniture, my LIFE. I have been more than fair with this man who wants to complain that he does not have any tree decorations??? What did he do when he had no tablecloth or place mats for fall? He went and bought some. Why is this different? Did he really like all the frog ornaments I had?????
So, I did it again. I caved. I boxed up all the ornaments I had, including the 2 I had bought after Christmas last year and put them on his porch. I think NOW I can say I have lost it all, unless there is something I am missing.

November 27, 2009

Turkey Day 2009

Well, I made it. Just barely, but I got by with a little help from my friends. After the initial call from the children in the morning, then the mini meltdown, then the short but sweet visit from Doodle and Lil C, CHB and I finished prepping all ingredients for the stuffing and garlic mashed potatoes, both to go in the crock pot. We were up until 12:30 Thanksgiving Eve to bake all the desserts: CHB made a chocolate pie, Pumpkin Pie Bites and I made a Pumpkin Cheesecake.

One phone call to mom and grandma later, finally showered and packed up, we head to Dave and Sue's house, parental units for CHB. They were hosting the shindig this year. Dave did the turkey and Sue decorated the table.

No eating all day, plus several bottles of wine later made for one of the more relaxed Thanksgiving meals I have eaten in a long time! It also made for more tears than I have ever seen before as we all said what we were thankful for.

For me: I was thankful to have the best bunch of friends a girl could ever ask for. They lift me up, take me down a peg (when needed), and fill my heart with their warmth. I am thankful for their support and unconditional love. I am thankful for my children and for my health.

Hope you all had a wonderful meal, surrounded by those you love.

November 24, 2009

As turkey day approaches, I find there are more emotional hurdles in front of me than I expected. This will be the first time in 12 years that I have not spent this day with my children and I am not sure how prepared I am to handle it. I feel a great sense of loss and sadness. Had a mini-meltdown in the shower today and I hope to be able to keep it together in front of the kids as I drop them off at their father's house tonight. I will not see them again until Sunday, which is not any different than usual, it's just with T-Day in the middle it feels like it might as well be a century.
I am so thankful to have somewhere to go so I that I don't spend this day alone. I am also thankful that SHE will not be with them on Thursday. That would just add more fuel to the fire I am sure. Please cross your fingers for the chitlins that they survive another obstacle put in front of them and that they come out stronger for it.

November 22, 2009

Pow! Wham! Ka-Chow!

That is what it felt like today when I saw HER car there when we pulled in to the driveway. Lil C and Doodle had called ahead of time to grab some stuff and were given the all clear to come over. Seriously feels like I have been sucker punched in the stomach.
Had I known she would be there I never would have brought the chitlins over. They could have made do without. I am not sure how he thought that was ok or how he thought we all would react. I stayed in the car as I am not ready to face her.
I would have gone straight up to the door with the kids had they not told me when we pulled up that the car in the driveway was hers. Can you imagine? Hello, what are you doing here? In MY house, and with MY husband? Missing something? Your self respect? Either of you? She also had to know we were coming over? Did JA just want to see my response?
Then JA had to add fuel to the fire. Lil C was upset about the fact that I was struggling with it and he called his father. JA actually turned it around on Lil C and me! Are you f -ing kidding me? How damn selfish can you be? I know there is a brain in that head of his somewhere BUT I have trouble seeing that he is using it at all.

November 19, 2009

I just got off the phone with JA. He called to let me know that Lil C was in trouble AGAIN at school. JA seems to think that Lil C is trying to show off in front of his friends. I said I didn't think so. Lil C's life is all messed up right now and this is the way he is choosing to act it out. Guess what? Utter and complete silence. No agreement, no argument, just total silence. Hmmmm.
Does he really think Lil C is this way all the time? I told JA that this was not our son. Only a few times last year did we get calls like this and that WAS because he was goofing off in class and took it too far. How could JA not see it? Does he really believe that our children are ok with this? Unbelievable.......... I am missing something right?

November 18, 2009

Last night the kids and I had a very interesting conversation. I tell them every week or every other week that if there is anything they need to talk to me about, I am here for them and will listen. Whether they are struggling at school, having a fight with a friend or whatever else is on their mind, I will hear them out. EVEN if they think it is something I do not want to hear, I want them to know they can always come to me!
So, I sat them down again last night and said all of this again. Lil C automatically thought I was going to give them some bad news. I assured them this was not the case. So in the course of our conversation it turns out that, drum roll please, the kids DO NOT like that their father is dating and only tell him it is ok because they want HIM to be happy. How do you respond to that? I told them that if their father asks them a question they should respond truthfully as their feelings are just as important.
Doodle was visibly upset and I assured her it was ok. I told them I loved them and was always here for them. They said a lot of things I found interesting but I was not judgemental about any of it. I am not sure what else I can do. We moved on to a better subject and I went off to fix dinner. The most interesting thing of the night was right before I set dinner on the table I saw that Doodle had her clipboard out. She left it on the table and there was a list there and it went like this:
1. Turn off tv and sit down
2. Talk to dad about her.
3. Have long talk with dad.
4. Meeting adjourned.
Wow! We had to rush off to girl scouts right after dinner so I can only hope that if there was time for this particular conversation last night that it went well for them. Maybe hearing it from his children will make him think more about the situation and what it is doing to our children. One can only hope.

November 17, 2009

Why am I always the "nice" one? Why am I always the one to give in? Oh, I know why. Because somewhere in the back of my sick and twisted head I think that he will get a clue. Wait, too late for that. The roles are completely reversed now that I am out of the house. So weird....... I feel like if I say no than I am just being a bitch. While I don't mind the label, it gets old after a while when you hear it from the same person all the time. Why do I feel like if I were the one to make these requests that I would be told no? Yet I am supposed to "grant" him these wishes like I am "a genie in a bottle baby". In an effort to be the nice one and to be the bigger party I have now screwed myself. He will continue to think this is a good idea and continue to be SELFISH about it. Will I ever be able to cry "uncle"?
This is so not fair. I know I sound like a 3 year old but just bear with me ok? I would never in a million years think of putting my kids through any of this. Yet for him, it seems like he puts himself first and they come last, yet to hear it come from his mouth they are his top priority. Really? Is that why he is choosing to make the decisions he has been making? Is that why he keeps rubbing it in their faces and shoving it down their throat? Really? My heart hurts for them.

November 16, 2009

So back home! Whirlwind weekend as always when we take 11 girls camping! So glad to have CHB's help, and how could I forget that HOW was coming along????? I think the girls had a good time, even though we felt like we yelled at them all weekend????
It was great to be away for the weekend but at the same time, when I came back I was immediately thrown in to what I wanted to get away from. I hate this shit. There is no other word for it. I hate what this does to me, my life but I really hate what this does to my kids. I am adult, I can "handle" it, but they can not escape from it. Is it possible for him to be blind to this? Really?
Here's another thing: how come he rises above this smelling like the proverbial rose and I come out like a steaming pile of cow dung? He gets the house, the neighborhood, the paid off vehicle, and all the people we have met (with the exception of my girlfriends and family). Meanwhile I have to move, I get the car payment and the look of disdain everywhere I go. Is this because I am choosing not to talk about what happened with them? Or am I just such a bitch that everyone ASSUMES it was me? I don't claim to be perfect but this is NOT ALL MY FAULT. Yet I get to reap the "benefits" like I started some type of holy war. Nice.

November 13, 2009

So this weekend Doodle, CHB, PIA and I are off to camp with the rest of the Girl Scout troop this weekend. Thank goodness we are indoors in a cabin as the rain and the cold would definitely have made us change our minds about the Pacific Northwest in November: OUTDOORS!!!! Wish us luck!
I am glad I will be busy this weekend. Helps to keep the mind occupied and away from other thoughts. I hate that I have to think this way at all. I hate that I am the one still dealing with all this while he is free to do whatever he wants. The loop de loop is still there and I try to stay as busy as possible so I don't hear it as loud. I am disappointed in myself that at every opportunity to find out more info I take it. Why? I need to learn to walk away from it. At the same time that I want to know, I really don't. It makes me physically ill. So why do it? Well if you can answer that million dollar question I would be FOREVER in our debt.

November 10, 2009

QUIT. MESSING. WITH. MY. HEAD. I am serious. Just when I can get through the day without OVERLY obsessing about this, you have to go and mess it up. And not in a good way. Why? Can you be that blind to what this does to me? It feels like you have all the power and I am helpless to stop you.
One of these days I will be able to regain the control over my life, but until then knock it off. Take the time to listen to your OWN heart and figure out what it is you need before you go making a huge mess of everyone else's life. Seriously.

November 8, 2009

Who knew that in a 24 hour period it could all go crazy again? Seriously? I think I have been punked enough times in the last few months to last me a lifetime. Once I have dissected all this, I wonder where it will take me next. Each day brings something new. Who knew I could handle all this? And I would have never thought all the peeps could be hit by the same crazy train that I did. So,
I would like to thank the academy............
Crimefighter: You will survive this. It sucks but it is better to know now than later. If you need to draft any more emails, I am your gal.
CHB: I love that you are there for it all! Just knowing that you are there makes all the difference. Much love.
Spice Rack: Thanks for the different point of view. Always welcome. :)

November 4, 2009

So, I think I am becoming O.C.D. about this whole thing. I feel like it consumes my every waking minute that I am not distracted. This constant obsessing is overwhelming. When the opportunity presents itself to find out more info, I stupidly take it. I should close my eyes and turn my ears off and run the other direction: but do I? Oh no........ that would be too easy. I have no willpower whatsoever when it comes to this. I thought I was so much stronger than that.
It is the little things that really get me. We could be here all day if I listed them but I am sure you get the picture. It all takes time. TIME TIME TIME. Not that I am trying to rush the process or anything. I just want to get over the hurdle that is front of me. Is that too much to ask? I have passed the anger and bitterness and just need this stupid sadness to go away. Seriously. Who needs it? Or to sleep? When did I become so damn emotional? Oh yeah........ I remember now.

November 2, 2009

I just want to say: THANKS. To all my peeps, new and old, for being there. Knowing I have you is so awesome! You pick me up when I am down, you know just what to say to make me smile and your arms are always open. I am glad you are there to remind me that "This too shall pass".
It is never said enough so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.