November 30, 2009

What more do I have to lose?

On Saturday night I pulled out all the Christmas decorations. I also hauled out the tubs so I could put away Halloween/Thanksgiving stuff away. I was doing fine. Really. Put up my first ever artificial tree (should have bought pre-lit but Craigslist beggars can't be choosers) and managed to turn my living room in to an explosion of holiday decor.
I called it a night around 11:30pm and woke up ready to tackle the rest of the decorations on Sunday. Got a call from JA that managed to take away my decorating spirit. In the course of the conversation I asked him if he knew where the children's ornament boxes were. I could not find them and was distraught that I had misplaced them.
He manages to turn the conversation completely around on me. "Well, you took all the ornaments when you left." "I don't want to talk about Christmas." "It will be hard for me this year." Yup, you just read that all correctly. Are you fucking kidding me? Who put us in this boat? Who had to spend the first holiday without the kids? And you want to tell me you DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT??????
When I moved out, we went through all the Christmas stuff together. I opened all 8 containers with the sole purpose of making sure it was fair. 90% of the decorations he did not care for anyway. So why the guilt trip? Wait for it........ it is because he does not have any ornaments for his tree!
The ones I took with me are all the ones I have received from our annual cookie exchange, or the Starbucks ornaments from my friend who works for the giant coffee company. And, let's not forget I selfishly took the ones that had MY name on them.
I have given up everything. No, not as a figure of speech here my friends. I have TRULY lost it all. My house, my neighborhood, friends we met through sports, my furniture, my LIFE. I have been more than fair with this man who wants to complain that he does not have any tree decorations??? What did he do when he had no tablecloth or place mats for fall? He went and bought some. Why is this different? Did he really like all the frog ornaments I had?????
So, I did it again. I caved. I boxed up all the ornaments I had, including the 2 I had bought after Christmas last year and put them on his porch. I think NOW I can say I have lost it all, unless there is something I am missing.


Cha Cha said...

Oh, honey. I'm sending you a big hug.

The shitty lesson here is this: you haven't lost everything. In fact, you have everything you need.

Strangely, I had a similar "I don't have ANY Christmas decorations" exchange with an ex who had formerly HATED the holidays and only put up a tree b/c I insisted. People get weird and territorial in these situations. It wasn't about the ornaments at all ... it was about him not wanting to take ownership of how he'd thrown away everything good in his life.

All that to say ... you are a strong, graceful, resilient woman. Trust me. You really do have everything you need.

Unfabulousness said...

Cha Cha you are so sweet. Thanks for lending some light to the situation. :)