April 2, 2011

~B~

Bitter. 

There were so many other thing I thought of when faced with today's challenge of delivering a post with the letter "B".

Back to bitter....... some people say I am still bitter. Let's take stock shall we?

First off, we should explore what the word BITTER actually means. And with the help of the good 'ole Internet, I see that the word is defined as:

–adjective
1. having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine, wormwood, or aloes.
2. producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt.
3. hard to bear; grievous; distressful: a bitter sorrow.
4. causing pain; piercing; stinging: a bitter chill.
5. characterized by intense antagonism or hostility: bitter hatred.
6. hard to admit or accept: a bitter lesson.
7. resentful or cynical: bitter words.

Well. Hmmm. I  can see that #5, #6 and #7 really apply, so I guess I am bitter. But, I think in more ways that I would care to admit, I do embody bitterness. 

How come? There are many reasons, and hopefully there is room to list them all here........

I am bitter because my marriage failed. 
Because I was not the wife I could have been. 
Bitter because I gave up on trying to make my marriage work. 
Bitter because my children no longer have a united home. 
Because I no longer have a complete family. 
I am bitter because my children will have to share some of the most important experiences with some other "mom" and not me. 
Filled with bitterness that I have created distress in the hearts of my children.
Because I have created this mess that they live in.
I am bitter because I spent so many years of my life thinking there were so many things wrong with me.
Because I let the manipulation occur and never thought once of stopping it.

There are so many ways I harbor bitterness and I know that it is not healthy. It creates feelings that make me angry, confused, disappointed and sad. It is a huge load I carry on my back, and some days makes me look like Quasimodo.  

Bitterness tastes rotten. It makes my face squish together like a pug dog. I am getting more wrinkled every day. Let it go? Easier said than done....... Because, as my children grow up, and experience those rites of passage, I know there will be more bitterness to come. Just what I always wanted right?

I try to combat these feelings. I work hard every day to think positive thoughts. But it creeps in like a frickin black cloud on a stormy day. Like an evil sickness that is rapidly spreading through my bloodstream at an alarming rate, that no amount of modern medicine can fix.

Since my divorce, I have let a lot of these nasty, ugly, vile feelings of bitterness go. However, there is still a long way to go in releasing it all.

So, your challenge is simple. find out what makes you bitter. Delve in to the deepest recesses of your heart, get to the nitty gritty of your issues. Once you find it, identify it, own it; let it go. Not so easy is it?

I will make a deal with you. If you let yours go, so will I. I will tie my bitterness to the largest bunch of balloons I can find, and release those evil feelings skyward without so much as a glance back. 

How long do we have? I don't know. I issued the challenge, you have to come up with the time frame. 

2 comments:

Crazy Mom of 2! said...

I to am a very bitter person... I know what it's about... whom it is that is affecting me... I've faced it, tried to deal with it but I'm still bitter. So I'll try and I'm proud of you for all you've done and we'll see what happens right! :)

Saralee said...

Bitterness is a very hard thing to deal with. I pray for you every day that God will bring peace to your heart and will turn all your hurt, dissapointment and bitterness into . . . betterness!

I know from experience that when I let my bitterness go I grew into a much better person. I am not saying that is easy and it is a long hard path but you are a very strong lady Jo. I have faith in YOU!