April 26, 2011

~V~

V

is for Vocal

Defined as " inclined to express oneself with words" or "having a voice" by www.dictionary.com

Me? Vocal? Never. And if you believe that, I've got a bridge to sell you.

When I was a teenager, I never gave a thought to who heard me, what I said, or how my tone came across. As I became a wife, mother and young professional, about the only place I curbed my tongue was at the office.

My mouth has gotten me in more trouble than I care to admit. More than once, some offhand remark that I have made has incited a verbal duel. Whether I won or lost that "battle" never crossed my mind; until I started to make more enemies than friends. People looked at me like I was just this combative little shit, which for all intents and purposes I was.

I always thought: if someone had a different opinion from me, that was fine. I would argue with that person, the whole time thinking I was just disagreeing with them. What really ended up happening? They usually thought I was just arguing for the sake of arguing. That I was some punk kid who just had a bone to pick with everyone.

In some aspects, those assessments were not far from the mark. Did I know it, or recognize it then? Hell no! Do I now? Did I see the people the people I was meeting cringe when I came around? No.

When you go through a divorce, in a small town, EVERYBODY knows your business, and has an opinion about it. They point, stare, and talk behind your back. They take everything you say completely the opposite of how you intended it. Being the vocal person I am, that was a complete pain in the ass. 

They over-analyze how you look, what comes out of your mouth, no matter how flippant it sounds to you, and pass a judgement all based upon the words you are using. And for me? They were bitter, angry words spewing from my mouth. Making me look like the exact person I did not want to be.

One thing this divorce has taught me? I can be as vocal as I want......... however, if I want people to "see" the true feelings behind the words? I have to be smarter than the average bear. I have to put it in a sweet saccharine tone, laugh at myself and play nice.

Then I just wait until they are gone to say what I really think? (got you there didn't I?) I do blow my top, and I do think that I still offend people, even when I'm not trying to. 

As I have "matured" since the divorce, I realized a couple of things:
1. I need to worry less about what other people think.
2. it's ok to vocalize what I am thinking, if I use nicer words and don't yell.
3. I am not responsible for what other people think, feel, or how they perceive me.

So I'm a gonna keep on vocalizing my thoughts. Like a constant trail of diarrhea of the mouth until someone stops me. I have a voice, and I'm not afraid to use it!

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