March 30, 2011

PSA for all the Single Ladies.........

This is a Public Service Announcement to all the Single Ladies out there. I am about to give the complete, unabridged version of the story, so if you need to run now, go ahead. You have been warned.

*** I have been given free license, and you know I ran with that, to tell this story ***

If you read yesterday's post, Party Weekend Take 2, you know the night was filled with some interesting activities. Here is the back story. As I have stated, it was Moxie's birthday. All of us girls were to be her wing men for the night. Well, after Saturday, we have been fired!

Remember BAM? Hard to forget right? Ahem. Here is what you didn't hear. When CHB found BAM, he was sitting at a table with two other girls. CHB tells me to go over, once he is alone, and ask him his situation, and find out if he would be interested in meeting our gal Moxie. So of course I march over there and ask him just that!

BAM says he is there with a friend and would love to meet Moxie. I haul her over, introductions are made. The rest of the night, because of Unknown Name, BAM stays away from our table. On Sunday, BAM and Moxie begin talking back and forth via text and phone calls. Doing the whole, who are you, what are you about thing.

They agree to meet Wednesday for lunch. The conversations continue back and forth, and finally on Tuesday, Moxie asks BAM about the women he was there with. (One of the ladies he was with was the hissy fit lady!) In the interest of complete honesty and full disclosure, he very calmly states that one of the women is his wife, and the other two are his girlfriends. BAM! POW! KA-CHING! Winner winner chicken dinner! Alert: The crazy has now entered the building.

WTF right? Moxie said there was a moment of silence, and I could imagine hearing crickets chirping, before she says, "you mean friends of you and your wife that happen to be girls"? BAM proudly states, no, my girl friends, as in I sleep with them.

Hold the phone! Is this guy for real? At this point I ask Moxie if she enquired about his views on polygamy, and how his wife could possibly be ok with this. BAM goes on to tell Moxie that he is very interested in her. She is like HELL to the no.

Moxie tells BAM, I don't do drama, I don't do married men and I don't do a booty calls. You fit all 3 of these categories, so no thanks. Wham, BAM, no stank you man! Moxie doesn't want to become one of the harem for this jackass. What night of the week would she get being number 4? Wife would get Monday Wednesday and Friday, girlfriends would rotate the Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday schedule. So would that leave my dear Moxie with Sunday? Does BAM take the sabbath off?

Apparently this guy thinks he can pull this off. With shows like Big Love and TLC's Sister Wives it's definitely more out there than before but seriously? No, No, No. Moxie Tells BAM goodbye. Yo go girl.

Just when you think you have heard it all, wait for it. There is more. However, this has nothing to do with BAM. Thank God. This has to do with Unknown Name, or UN from now on.  

PB and I leave Moxie in the care, custody and control of Miss Thang when we leave on Saturday. Miss Thang, Moxie and UN stay to watch the band's last set, and then head to the main part of the casino. They are sitting at the bar talking, Moxie in the middle flanked by Miss Thang and UN, when somehow, and nobody quite knows how, Miss Thang gets on the subject of sex with UN.

The next thing you know, Miss Thang asks him if he goes downtown. He stares at her blankly so she asks the question again: Do you eat at the Y? Do you like fish tacos? Now, this poor dude is sitting in the middle of the casino, and there are people behind him and to the side of him. (I would be a little embarrassed myself LOL) UN very calmly and straight faced looks at Miss Thang and says no.

Now as I was not there, I can only tell you what I think happened. Miss Thang's head damn near did an exorcist like twist around before she launched in to a diatribe to UN about the benefits of eating downtown. UN very seriously asks her if women like that. She's like; do women like chunky chocolate cookies? Do women like chocolate? HELL yeah! Then she asks him if he likes bj's and of course he says yes. Miss Thang is all like, well you need to reciprocate cause it's not all about you. Why shoudl us women do what you yourself are not willing to do?

At this point dear Moxie is horrified, on a couple of levels! One, there are people milling about listening to Miss Thang go off, and two; are there really guys out there who DON'T please their women this way?

Now, before you go all postal on us single ladies, let me say this. Do I, or Moxie, or Miss Thang think that this one act is a necessity of the every day variety? No. HOWEVER, sex is an important part of any committed relationship, and it is just as important to be compatible personality wise as it is to be sexually satisfied with your partner. Therefore, if us ladies are willing to do it, so should you men. Ahem. Moving on.

As the night comes to an end, UN leaves, Miss Thang and Moxie head back to Moxie's pad. Monday? Guess who shows up at Moxie's work bearing gifts? UN!!! And what has he brought???? Chunky chocolate cookies and a box of chocolates!! I shit you not! Guess he was paying attention to some of the conversation huh????

So, let this be a warning to you! Not only can you NOT let CHB, Snookie or I be your wing men? If you meet a man named BAM run the other direction. Otherwise you may find yourself as girlfriend/wife/lover number 4!

I wish I could say that there was some embellishments of the truth made here, but alas I can not. You couldn't make this up if you tried. In fact, I am thinking about writing a book about all the "fun" Moxie and I have had on our path as single women trying to find a decent guy out there. Her more so than me. Seriously.

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