Inevitably, after Thanksgiving is over, the stress sets in for what to do about Christmas. There are gifts to purchase and wrap, a house to decorate, cookies to be baked, ornaments to exchange and parade's and festivals to attend. Not to mention family coming in from out of town, a LOT of great food to eat and finding the 10 pounds I lost over the summer!!!
Thinking back to last year, I think I am in a better place. My first Christmas as a single lady was bittersweet to say the least. With the help of my mom and great friends, I was able to decorate and make a beautiful Christmas tree, and survive the highly emotional day.
This year things are so much different. I don't feel like I'm gonna cry at the drop of a hat anymore, but I think there is a whole new set of issues. Last year, Lil C and Doodle were with me on Christmas Day: this year that is not the case. I have them Christmas Eve. Which means at 10pm, on the eve of the big day, I must return them to their father. I think it's going to suck to wake up Christmas morning and not see the happy little faces greeting me with excitement, bursting at the seams to open the gifts left under the tree.
As if that isn't enough, I feel like there is a gift competition going on. How HeeHaw affords these extravagant gifts I'm not sure; all I know is I'm left feeling inadequate. I have very thankful children who will appreciate whatever I give them, but I have the feeling dad's gifts will be received with more excitement. Now, I know I should be thankful for my children, my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach, and I am. Don't get me wrong. But once, JUST ONCE, I would like to feel like I have done something cool for my kids.
There have been many a year where HeeHaw has outdone me, even when we were married. Taking the kids to get some cool thing from the store, giving them Christmas presents before the big day AND without me there, promising them something I had previously said no to. I feel some of this bitterness creeping back in to my heart, taking up residence on my back, adding to my holiday stress. From now until January 1st you may call me Quasimodo. I am trying very hard to let these feelings go, but that is so much easier said than done.
As if that wasn't enough, a new issue presents itself this year. I have somebody new in my life this year. I would like to share time with PB, my children, and my mom and how the heck do you think I am going to manage that? I don't know how to juggle all the people, places and events just yet. I am struggling with this. I don't want to be the example that HeeHaw sets: involve EVERY girlfriend in EVERYTHING from day one. I don't want Lil C and Doodle to look back years from now and feel like they didn't get the attention needed from me, when they needed it the most.
I know it will all work itself out, it usually does. But I felt like 'sharing" with all of you.