Seriously. It sucks balls. And while I have balls of steel? This is hard work.
CHB and Moxie spent their Mother's Day with me, packing and sorting my stuff. Their idea, not mine. Although, I was super appreciative!!
We arrived at my place, packing tape, boxes, bubble wrap and brown paper in tow.
CHB tells me "We need a game plan. 3 piles. One for stuff going to PB's house, one for stuff going to the storage unit and one for sale or donation." After a quick "yes ma'am" and designation of said piles was clear, away we went.
It went like this: CHB would hold up each item, I would decide where it went, and Moxie would take it to said pile.
Amidst the clouds of dust, the laughter and my anxiety about this process, we got a LOT of work done.
Guess what???? I.AM.A.HOARDER. Jeez Louise I have a LOT of stuff. WAY too many candles, candle holders, candle sticks, candle pretties. I also have enough knick-knacks to supply my house, PB's, Moxie's and CHB's places. In my 1000 square foot apartment. Wow.
I also junked quite a few things that were broken, or trash that had been stuffed in to corners. Lots of "I will get to this" piles that I never did anything with. The donation pile takes up the area of a queen sizer bed. Literally.
5 hours later, the girls and I are done, done, stick a fork in us done. We have gone through every cabinet, drawer and closet in my place, with the exception of the kids bedroom closet.
I turned off the lights, turned the heat down, and left my place. I bid CHB and Moxie goodbye and went to PB's. We watched a movie on tv, the kids played outside.
And then it hit me. This overwhelming feeling of losing EVERYTHING I have. This sense of loss for watching my items walk out of the door, surrendered to craigslist and other people's homes. Irrational as it would be to store all this stuff for some undetermined amount of time, it was just as irrational to mourn their loss.
I was upset. My favorite pieces, the one's I searched for, coveted and found a way to pay for, to put in my new place, are leaving. Not only do PB and I have a different decorating style, there isn't a lot of room at his place. He has an nice size home, I just have alot of crap. There are items that are duplicate that I don't need.
I am sad. I am overwhelmed and I am tired. I hate to move. It feels so disorganized and is such a daunting task. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all just go away.
I don't think PB has any idea how hard this is for me. I know there are a few changes he has had to make, but overall? I am the one purging, donating, selling or storing MY belongings. Not him. I am the one who feels like I have little say in anything right now. Although I know, if the shoe was on the other foot he would feel the same way.
But it isn't. And it hurts. And it's not fair. Irrational? Why yes. That's my new name. And I am owning it.