October 31, 2012

An excercise in breathing.........

Today is going to be an interesting day.

Today is Halloween. And while I am excited to pass out candy, and to see all the little kids come to the door with their costumes on, and hear the smallest yet most adorable ones try and say Trick or Treat, today represents something else.

Today, PB and I will drive down to his doctor's office. Where we will sit and wait, I more patiently than PB. When his name is called, we will march back to his doctor's corner. We will be sat down and told the results of yet another scan.

The scan he had done last week. The scan that will tell us what the state of his innards is like.

I am anxious.

The last scan we got? Back in June? I didn't share the results with you. We were busy trying to have a fun summer and I didn't want to think about it.

The last scan was hard. PB didn't want me to go with him. In total honesty, I respected and resented that decision. Mentally, I understand it. Emotionally? Fuck you, right?

When he got home, he gave me the results right away. And they were: 50/50. 50% of the cancer is being attacked. 50% is not.

Ok. I let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding....... ok. We can work with this. The doctors told him to continue on the same path we have been on for the last 6 months.

And we have.

And now we get the results from the scan.

TODAY.

And I am feeling nervous. I am sure it is nothing compared to what PB is feeling. I am sure it pales in comparison to the emotions raging through his body, his mind, his heart.

I feel like covering my eyes. Like I do when it's a scary or grotesque movie. And I wait until the bad part is over before I open them again. Whatever the results are, we face them head on. I can only think positively. I refuse to think otherwise.

But the anxiety creeps in. It can't be stopped. I will be practicing a lot of deep breathing today. Breathe with me, ok?

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