May 24, 2012

Mortality Musings.......

This has been a weird 2 weeks. Interesting conversations, thought provoking statements, facing my own mortality..... Pass the wine bottle please.

One such conversation went a little something like this:

PB: My ex wife called. She is at the walk in clinic.

ME: Oh no, is she ok?

PB: Yeah. (Rattles off her symptoms) She was upset and not sure what to do so she called me. After we figured out she should be seen by a medical professional, (duh lol) I told her that if she needed anything else to call back.

ME: Wow....... I think that's great that she can call you. The LAST person I would call if something was wrong would be HeeHaw.

PB: That is sad.

ME: You're right, it IS sad. The ONLY reason I would call HeeHaw is if I was dying. And I needed to make sure that he and LL did not fuck up the children's lives.

I am certain, that if I die before the children become adults, forced to leave my children with their father and his wife, that I will be stuck in transition. Like in limbo. Not yet able to claim my first class ticket to Hell on  the Express train.

I know I will have to stick around, making sure that the wee people are watched until they are the ripe old age of 18. You know I need to stick my nose in what's going on, and try to steer them in the right direction.

What would suck is knowing I would have no more influence on these young impressionable people. That they would be stuck with whatever HeeHaw and LL deem appropriate, which we all know is VASTLY different than what I think should be done.

I will be stuck wondering if I did enough to make them think for themselves, see all points of view, experience new and great things, try new adventures......... or would they worry too much what other people think?

Oh, the things us divorced parents think about. Ugh.

I have jealousy about the relationship that PB has with his ex-wife, but not in the way you think.

I would love to have the kind of relationship they do: civil conversations with each other, easy transitions for drop off and pick up, able to share holidays with no argument, even PB's ex able to call and ask for a ride to the doctor when she hurt her neck a few weeks ago.
But, alas, this is not a reality for me. HeeHaw and I are oil and water, always have been, always will be. I don't foresee a time when we can actually be in the same place, at the same time, without me wanting to be drive some sharp object in to my eyeball.

We are so fundamentally different. In fact, there are very few things that I can think of, as I sit here at my computer, that HeeHaw and I actually agree on. How we stayed married for as long as we did is amazing to me. I can only attribute that to pure stubbornness on my part.

So, dear reader, I ask you this: do you think if enough time passed that you could be friendly with your ex? Or will those waters always be muddy?

No comments: